To be a Republican you need to believe:
1. Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary
2. Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush’s
Daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him,
and a bad guy when Bush needed a “we can’t find Bin Laden” diversion.
3. Trade withis wrong because the country is Communist, but
trade withand is vital to a spirit of international
4. The United States should get out of the, and our
highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against.
5. A woman can’t be trusted with decisions about her own body, but
multinational drug corporations can make decisions affecting all
mankind without regulation.
6. The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in
speeches, while slashing veterans’ benefits and combat pay.
7. If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won’t have sex.
8. A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our longtime allies,
then demand their cooperation and money.
9. Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy, but providing
health care to all Americans is socialism. HMO’s and insurance
companies have the best interests of the public at heart.
10.and tobacco’s link to cancer are junk science , but
creationism should be taught in schools.
11. A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable
offense, but a president lying to enlist support for a war in which
thousands die is solid defense policy.
12. Government should limit itself to the powers named in the
Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the
13. The public has a right to know about Hillary’s cattle trades, but
’s driving record is none of our business.
14. Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you’re
a conservative radio host. Then it’s an illness and you need our
prayers for your recovery.
15. Supporting “Executive Privilege” for every Republican ever born,
who will be born or who might be born (in perpetuity.)
16. Whatdid in the 1960’s is of vital national
interest, but what Bush did in the ’80’s is irrelevant.
17. Support for hunters who shoot their friends and blame them for
wearing orange vests similar to those worn by the quail.
“The difference between the two parties is that Democrats help people who need help and Republicans help people who don’t need help.”
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